Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Blether blether blether

Currently listening to Bob Swipe's Podcast 4 as I write whilst eating.....

the last sliver of homemade chicken pie from yesterday's supper - cold - just right
warm falafel with lemon juice and coriander (homemade)
hoummous (not homemade)
a glass of red wine (well two actually and definitely not homemade thank goodness)

after a nice day spent idling with my son and my Dad.

Here's a picture of them looking strangely alike in a sort of we don't give a fuck kind of way and mucking about taking photo's of themselves a month or so ago in PIzza Express Twickenham

Today I ended up discussing my on-going relationship troubles and mooting my possible impending single-parenthood with my Dad who ironically - left my mother as a single parent when I was three. I've always been quite proud of the fact that I've managed to survive that milestone myself so far....and even more ironically, there we were discussing it all at 'the swings' in Marble Hill Park where my father 37 years ago told my mother he was leaving whilst I too was playing on the swings. I sort of remember that day. I remember being asked to be pushed and seeing my mum looking stern and away and my Dad well, just looking like my Dad really. So I just lay over the swing and twisted around and around instead as everyone seemed to be ignoring me. Finally, we had to get up and leave. I remember my Mum walking on ahead. Later I remember my Dad with wet hair pulling on his full length chocolate brown leather raincoat (it was 1969!) and leaving, slamming the door. And that was it. Gone. I remember it so clearly (much to my parents pain and horror even now). I remember telling my Dad that he couldn't go out with wet hair. His parting words were 'It's ok'. Can't remember anything after that at all. I've blethered on here as I guess the title suggests and as I sort of knew I would. My worry at the moment is mainly that I'm very aware of protecting my son from so much if/when the inevitable happens - which I think is a distinct possibility. The other thing I'm more than aware of is that single parent-dom is pretty much all I know. I'm also incredibly independent. A majority of my oldest, best friends are also children of single mothers. I'm even trying to make a documentary about single mothers for chrissake - I suppose it is something I know well. Anyway, it's all getting a bit much which is why I've been posting up silly drivel lately as a way of avoiding sticking personal stuff up on my blog - which I only do from time to time. I'm doing this today in memory and on the eve of what would have been Abbies (one of my all time true and best kindred spirits) 37th birthday. For those of you that are newcomers to this blog - Abbie was a great and true friend (also a single mother!) who died of the most horrid brain cancer last year. My blog was the only outlet for my thoughts at the time as I just couldn't talk to anyone about it. Plus I helped nurse her pretty much until the end which didn't feel hard at the time but I felt the fall-out afterwards - still am sometimes. All of it is archived Feb-May 2005. I think about and miss her everyday. If she were still here she would urge me to be truthful and declare what was bothering me - so I have. Thanks for reading.
Abbie Campbell 1969 - 2005.
You rocked!
(Abbie and Charlie her son March 2005)

I just realised that perhaps anyone (all of my 2 readers!) reading this might think that I want to become a single mother. To clarify, my point is that I don't relish the idea of possibly becoming a single mother at all and am definitely working very hard not to be - especially as it is something that I know very well. I hope that makes sense. Normal service to be resumed shortly - I just had to get that off my chest!

Thanks Bob for another great podcast - a good companion for writing except your Bowie closer was going to be my opener for my first podcast - harumph - I'll have to re-think!


Anonymous helena said...

Not having a child of my own and therefore not having been in this situation (unless you count my own parent's splitting up) I don't feel at all qualified to comment (or even to have an opinion) on your post and what you should and shouldn't do. I have the utmost respect for anyone bringing up children in a couple let alone singly. But this was a brave post and I didn't want to just read it and not leave a comment (if that makes sense). I truly hope it all works out for you - whichever way it eventually does works out.

2:44 pm  
Blogger Molly Bloom said...

I was just reading your post and getting a bit choked up. Isn't it strange how we let certain emotions out on here and nowhere else. As if somehow, letting them out into the air, sets the feelings free in a way. I can relate to that. It is a great place to get emotions out there.
I'm sorry...I don't know you very well...but I can relate to the loss of a dear friend...I have lost two to cancer and one to suicide. I miss them very, very much and it makes me realise that life is so very short and I don't want to waste mine.

One of my friends took me aside once and said, 'Don't waste your life' - it was in a certain context...but I just think...god, she was right. Time flies so fast and friends can be lost. We have to make so much of what we DO have. I think there are so many pressures on women with children. Juggling and worrying. It is very stressful. You do what you think is right and listen to what your heart is saying. The voice in your heart is the most powerful voice in the world and it always, always tells the truth. What is it saying to you now? I bet it is saying what you know you want.

3:34 pm  
Blogger Molly Bloom said...

We have to get the Bobster back. I was doing a sit-in on his blog but he still won't come back.

3:35 pm  
Blogger Arabella said...

Reading your memories of the day in the park with your parents was very moving.
I want to wish you well.

4:11 pm  
Blogger Billy said...

Oh gosh, I don't really know what to say...

This was a very moving post, RM. Best of luck to you, whatever happens.

7:04 pm  
Blogger Molly Bloom said...

I must say that the powerful memories from the past stay with us forever too. It's strange how little children remember the tiniest details. I find that the most moving part of all.

7:22 pm  
Blogger First Nations said...

I know you will come through this ok. you sat with a dear friend through a nightmare disease; you can do this too. i've done it myself.
i am thinking of you, my dear.

3:11 am  
Blogger katty said...

your friend had beautiful eyes.

I hope that everything works out for the best for you.

(and thank you for your support.)


9:03 am  
Blogger rockmother said...

Oh - you guys! I'm amazed at the caring and insight expressed in all your lovely comments. I didn't mean to make anyone all moist eyed when I wrote that. I just had to send it all out into the blogosphere - I do that now and again. Whatever happens it will be for the best although I just don't know what IS going to happen exactly. I'm in that limbo stage at moment. I shouldn't really say anymore as my partner doesn't even know I've shoved my life out into the world for anyone to read about. Thank you thank you thank you all of you. XXXXXX (that's one for everybody!)

9:15 am  
Blogger Istvanski said...

All the best for the future, whichever way the pendulum swings.

11:29 am  
Blogger rockmother said...

Thanks Istvanski - I guess whichever way it goes it will be for the best. It's all far too grown up! Thank you for dropping by and your kind comment.

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