Monday, May 16, 2005

one step forward, two steps backward

Well, the trip to Morecambe is cancelled. I had an inkling that was going to happen. Apparently Jimmy is in a bit of a spin about last week's events in Brighton plus they have decided that no one is to film Sham 69 until further notice. What with Punk being officially thirty years old next year - around 20 Sept to be exact - there is a lot of media interest in talking to and tracking down 'the originators' of punk. I'm not surprised. What I am worried about is that I gaily sent off my programme proposal to at least three broadcasters a while back. Normally, they get back fairly quickly - when they don't you have to worry - there's a lot of pinching ideas in tv land and there is absolutely nothing or very little you can do about it. Jimmy and management were also worried about who else I was planning to interview. Thankfully, they didn't object to my current list which was a relief. I'm going to carry on regardless of what other people might be doing and try and get my doc made if I can.

What else? All this seems to have been over-shadowed by the fact that I am struggling a bit with realising Abbie's death has finally hit home - and it has come from nowhere. Awful. I didn't know what grief or bereavement can do to you and they have a funny habit of popping up when you are least expecting them to. At it's worst I've been snappy and intolerant of people either not listening to me properly or being too loud. And I have been so incredibly tired. I haven't been this tired since I was a teenager. And at it's best, I've been able to listen to an answer machine message from Abbie on my machine (which I know I probably should erase but can't for the moment) and last week I found the last letter she ever wrote to me. I could listen to the message and read the letter without my eyes uncontrollably brimming up and the feeling of a horrible tightness in my chest. Both the brimming up and tightness in my chest only seem to appear when I'm doing something mundane like driving or walking along a street. Crazy.

My dreams have been really un-nerving too. For a few days last week I kept having a recurring dream of Abbie standing about 10 foot away from me with her arms out-stretched, smiling - as a mother does when beckoning a child to run into her arms. This image stayed with me on and off in the day, like a flashback and I felt quite haunted by it. I then developed a sudden bout of anxiety. I nearly drove all the way across London last week when it was halving the journey time to go by train. Each time I thought about the train journey I kept thinking something bad was going to happen. Silly, obsessive worrying. I even had a panic as I dropped my son off at nursery thinking albeit irrationally that it was the last time I was going to see him and he would never know and when no one picked him up at the end of the day blah blah blah. It took every ounce of human effort to force my self to stop thinking such ridiculous thoughts and get on the bloody train which was fine. And yes I got back in time to pick up my son and life carries on.....I guess that is the point - life carries on! I think the whole dilemma, issue of acceptance and 'moving on' must throw your head out a bit. All this weirdness - as I can assure you I really am not mad although last week I was very worried that I was (!) must be to do with being at that stage just before acceptance. A combination of hanging on and things finally bubbling up to the surface. I guess it just takes time.


Anonymous Wavy Gravy said...

No Astrid, you are mad, completely and utterly.

Either that or just frighteningly normal. Yes, that must be it.

9:48 pm  
Blogger oakleyses said...

gucci handbags, ray ban sunglasses, cheap oakley sunglasses, polo ralph lauren outlet online, polo outlet, nike air max, christian louboutin, longchamp outlet, longchamp outlet, burberry outlet, uggs outlet, tiffany jewelry, michael kors outlet online, prada handbags, louis vuitton, louis vuitton, tory burch outlet, christian louboutin shoes, michael kors outlet, ray ban sunglasses, ugg boots, nike air max, louis vuitton outlet, replica watches, kate spade outlet, louis vuitton outlet, burberry handbags, christian louboutin outlet, michael kors outlet, oakley sunglasses, christian louboutin uk, oakley sunglasses, michael kors outlet online, ugg boots, oakley sunglasses wholesale, uggs outlet, ray ban sunglasses, prada outlet, nike free, replica watches, michael kors outlet online, oakley sunglasses, jordan shoes, longchamp outlet, nike outlet, uggs on sale, tiffany and co

3:40 am  
Blogger oakleyses said...

kate spade, nike free run, polo lacoste, guess pas cher, lululemon canada, coach purses, oakley pas cher, burberry pas cher, sac vanessa bruno, sac hermes, hollister pas cher, louboutin pas cher, vans pas cher, nike blazer pas cher, michael kors, sac longchamp pas cher, nike air max uk, polo ralph lauren, air max, abercrombie and fitch uk, nike tn, michael kors pas cher, nike air force, hogan outlet, coach outlet store online, ray ban pas cher, true religion outlet, nike free uk, michael kors outlet, nike air max uk, mulberry uk, true religion outlet, timberland pas cher, north face, nike roshe run uk, ray ban uk, replica handbags, new balance, longchamp pas cher, nike roshe, converse pas cher, ralph lauren uk, jordan pas cher, michael kors, true religion jeans, true religion outlet, hollister uk, nike air max, coach outlet, north face uk

3:43 am  
Blogger oakleyses said...

giuseppe zanotti outlet, p90x workout, louboutin, bottega veneta, nike trainers uk, s6 case, hollister, ralph lauren, asics running shoes, nfl jerseys, babyliss, timberland boots, herve leger, mont blanc pens, iphone 6s cases, soccer shoes, celine handbags, north face outlet, beats by dre, ipad cases, longchamp uk, iphone 6 cases, jimmy choo outlet, lululemon, ghd hair, baseball bats, abercrombie and fitch, nike huaraches, instyler, iphone cases, nike roshe run, reebok outlet, oakley, new balance shoes, mac cosmetics, nike air max, hollister clothing, iphone 5s cases, soccer jerseys, vans outlet, valentino shoes, iphone 6 plus cases, ferragamo shoes, hermes belt, north face outlet, insanity workout, wedding dresses, chi flat iron, iphone 6s plus cases, mcm handbags

3:46 am  
Blogger oakleyses said...

montre pas cher, pandora uk, converse outlet, louis vuitton, ugg pas cher, canada goose outlet, converse, swarovski, doudoune moncler, wedding dresses, pandora jewelry, toms shoes, canada goose outlet, supra shoes, canada goose, vans, canada goose uk, canada goose, marc jacobs, canada goose outlet, ugg,ugg australia,ugg italia, moncler, doke gabbana, pandora charms, canada goose jackets, moncler outlet, moncler, moncler, ugg uk, karen millen uk, hollister, canada goose, moncler, links of london, lancel, juicy couture outlet, gucci, louis vuitton, thomas sabo, swarovski crystal, moncler uk, ray ban, hollister, pandora jewelry, barbour uk, barbour, replica watches, moncler outlet, ugg, louis vuitton, nike air max, louis vuitton

3:48 am  

Post a Comment

<< Home

eXTReMe Tracker Who links to me?
Web Counter