Motorhead - In Bullet Points

• Motorhead at the Royal Festival Hall
• In bullet points
• Because that is the easiest way to do it with a hangover
• It was very VERY loud
• It felt a bit like Rock Goes To College
• We missed the first 30 mins due to forgetting that it was The Royal Festival Hall and not Hammersmith Odeon ie: bands come on sooner rather than later in posh places
• And we were talking too much in the pub beforehand
• Stu thought that Jarvis Cocker had his own range of sandwiches out
• I said – don’t worry – it’s just that he curated the festival – not the sandwiches!
• Oooh we laughed
• Istvanski did a monster sneeze and tried to wipe his hands on Stu’s jacket
• We finally got into the gig through a special door for latecomers
• We were 6 rows from the front of the stage
• It was GREAT
• I leapt up and down like a small child and pointed and laughed at lots of funny headbangers
• At first you couldn’t hear a word Lemmy was singing – it was just a blurry loud rasp
• Excellent
• Phil Campbell had a great line in guitars – especially the Minarik Inferno
• Micky Dee did a ridiculously over-pompous show off drum solo that went on a fraction too long
• When Lemmy and Campbelll came back on stage after the drum solo they were both smoking and looked very cool in a rock type way. It made me want to smoke immediately.
• Lemmy spat his fag out across the stage before he rasped the first verse of Motorhead. It just lay there smoking by an amp looking a bit health and safety
• Lemmy was wearing calf length uber-sturdy leather boots and the most exceptionally tight black stretch worn jeans
• The jeans served to highlight his really saggy bottom and squash it even further south and make his tummy look a bit bigger than it probably is in a voluminous black shirt which was characteristically undone to just above the navel and tucked into his straining waistband
• He had his trademark talisman around his neck
• He looked cool and very much legend of rock – which is what he is I suppose
• Thom turned to me and said as we marvelled at Lemmy’s tightness of jean “He’s so cool isn’t he? Would you shag him even though he’s all sweaty and old?
• “No” I replied as I scrawled "Lemmy - play Dirty Love for me I love you" on my ticket stub which I then tried to throw onto the stage
• Thom then said “What about Keith Richards? As he is now? Really old.
• “Yes” I said and we both laughed
• They played quite a lot of songs from the Orgasmatron album
• They played really well despite not being able to intermittently hear what Lemmy was actually singing
• After a slightly lame version (I’ve heard them do better) of Ace Of Spades for the encore they threw plectrums, a sweaty flannel and some drumsticks into the audience
• Lemmy left the guitars on and turned all the amps up to 11 (no doubt)
• Everyone was basking in the incredibly loud noise filling the entire auditorium
• Some were even still headbanging to it
• They seemed genuinely happy to see everyone at the RFH and went offstage smiling
• It was amazing despite the fact I still can't hear out of my left ear
• Then we all went straight back to the pub
• Where it went horribly downhill
• Somehow we entered a pub quiz and I was having to write the answers
• I seem to remember encountering difficulty after the third bucket of rose had passed my lips
• Everyone was very jolly and we all had such a great time
• The rose finally got the better of me and I had to go and be sick in the pub loo
• Euuuuuwwwwwww!
• I thought I felt much better after that but it seemed that I might not have been able to walk in a particularly straight line
• I was most chivalrously looked after by Messrs Istvanski and Howeser
• The train journey home was excruciatingly slow and sweaty
• Another fine gig with great company
• Mine’s a fizzy water next time

Photo: (that's me and Lemmy doing some after-show rose action backstage in case you were wondering)?