Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Eat Your Heart Out Amy!

Wait until Barry gets to town!

Perhaps it is for his 'arthritis'?

Maybe Barry's been influenced by the wild-child behaviour of younger musicians - and in particular Britney Spears who he recently defended or possibly scored off earlier in the evening.

Empathetic Manilow joined the chorus of celebrities rooting for the troubled singer. He said he was "heartbroken" by her current troubles, because the pop superstar's new album proves she has real talent.

Go on Barry - we love you. Let's hope the Manager of the Las Vegas Hilton didn't notice..


Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Pass Me Another Spam Fritter Please

No, on second thoughts - hold the spam - just take all my bank details and my NI no as well while you are at it. It's ok - it's a free-for-all courtesy of some fantastically inept and bumbling buffoon in the government that thought he/she/it/plankton would chance it by sending out top security data via non-top security means. Not even the sniff of a recorded delivery. Oh no! What? It didn't arrive? Never mind - only 25 million people's details on there.......sort-code and account number, address, that sort of thing. No worries - we'll send another copy - we'll send it recorded this time - just in case. Could you let me know if you can be bothered to get a signature for it? Oh, I see - most of the people who work for your establishment can't read or write yet let alone speak intelligably? No wonder it didn't get there the first time. Oh well. Let me know if it turns up won't you. And then I get this....

Dear Honest Friend, My name is Ms. Margaret Krissie I am a dying woman who have decided to donate what I have to you/ church. I am 58 years old and I was diagnosed for cancer for about 3 years ago, immediately after the death of my husband, who has left me everything he worked for. I have been touched by God to donate from what I have inherited from my late husband to you for the good work of God, rather than allow my relatives to use my husband hard earned funds ungodly. Please pray that the good Lord forgive me my sins. I have asked God to forgive me and I believe he has because He is a merciful God. I will be going in for an operation in less than one hour. I decided to WILL/donate the sum of US$7,500,000 (Seven Million, Five Hundred Thousand US Dollars Only) to you for the good work of the lord, and also to help the motherless and less privilege and also for the assistance of the widows. At the moment I cannot take any telephone calls right now due to the fact that my relatives are around me and my health status. I have adjusted my WILL and my lawyer is aware I have changed my will and he will arrange the transfer of the funds from my account to you. But this fund is in a bonded state with an irrevocable comprehensive insurance cover, as a security measure against my husband relatives. I wish you all the best and may the good Lord bless you abundantly, and please use the funds well and always extend the good work to others. Contact my lawyer with this specified Email Address: - { } and tell him that I have WILLED US$7,500,000 (Seven Million, Five Hundred Thousand US Dollars Only) to you by quoting my personal reference number E-Morgan and Associates EM/EG/WILL/092514131209 and I have also notified him that I am WILLING that amount to you for a specific and good work. I know I don't know you but I have been directed by God to do this. Thanks and God bless. NB: I will appreciate your utmost confidentiality in this matter until the task is accomplished as I don't want anything that will jeopardize my last wish. And Also I will be contacting with you by email as I don't want my relation or anybody to know because they are always around me. Best Regards, Ms. Margaret Krissie.

So you are not that ill that you can't sit there going cross-eyed on e mail spamming people all day but you are too ill to take calls Margaret? Well, I tell you what. Most of the mothers in this country - a fair few amount of them single mothers have now been exposed to possible identity theft of a much greater kind than you are suggesting. $7.5M is the least of our worries! And while you are at it - hurry up and die - it won't be a day too soon scumbag.


Friday, November 16, 2007

For Dick Headley

Now we know what Amy keeps in her beehive - and I don't think it is a hankie!

Is that a bullet in your beehive or couldn't you wait to get backstage for another toot?! Oh dear. I hope she gets through all this I really do.


Thursday, November 15, 2007

Terrible Nightmares: why do we have them?

Terrible nightmares: why do we have them? Last Monday morning I woke up distraught and exhausted after a cruelly vivid dream of my deceased best friend (whom I still miss terribly most days) visiting me as if she had come back from the dead. She was pregnant, a bit wild-eyed and definitely not right. The worst thing about it all was that she told me that her real surviving son (who by coincidence is 7 today) is not Mr XX’s at all (her real-life ex-husband) but in fact the product of Satan (my ex-boyfriend) and that she had come back from ‘the other side’ to tell me that she was pregnant again with his second child! Absolutely nightmarish in every degree. Awful. Why why why would I dream such a horror? What is even weirder is that she hated Satan in real life. Maybe it was simply her impending son’s birthday that triggered off something. It was so horrible.

Then this morning I woke up in a terrible flap and sobbing again as I had another awful dream - this time about running off with a morbidly obese, bespectacled African dignitary. We ran off to live in my first ever bedsit flat that I left home for 22 years ago. As I returned with nothing except this man I felt a familiar damp chill in the air as I opened my old door. It often felt colder in than out in that flat. The carpet and walls were the same but because it didn’t have my things in it any more it suddenly looked more grubby and smaller than I remember it. I turned back to look at this man and thought ‘Oh my god, what have I done?’ There was such a terrible air of finality about it all. I kept saying ‘it’s different, it’s so different but I can’t put my finger on it’. The man with his thick-rimmed glasses and dark orange stretchy top straining over his huge tummy was very patient and kind and kept saying ‘Don’t worry, it will be fine, it’s ok’ when it so obviously was not. And then the realisation which was the most nightmarish part of the dream and one thankfully that didn’t last long as it was so utterly devastating and horrific revealed itself. I turned to my elopee and said ‘I know what it is’ as I clutched both sides of my head and scrunched my hair so hard it really hurt and repeatedly choked ‘There is no H (my son in real life) here, there is no H here, that’s what it is. What have I done? What have I done?’. The sickening realisation. What had I done? I had run off with this person who was very nice and inoffensive but so ridiculously not me and had willingly abandoned my child and everything I had that was precious to me. I had not thought about the consequences until it was too late. The man said (a little more angrily and unsettlingly agitated now) ‘We can’t go back, we are here together now’ and made me lay my head on his big soft tummy. I felt trapped and helpless. It was so awful and distressing. I woke up in a panic not knowing where I was and thinking for a split-second it was all true.

I’m almost too scared to go to sleep tonight. It was one of those vivid and tiring dreams that stay with you all day.
I have no idea what has set this spate of horrible emotionally fraught dreams off and am praying for sweet dreams or none at all for the next week – it’s too exhausting. What is your worst dream? And no – no cheese was involved just in case you were wondering!


Wednesday, November 14, 2007

I Could Be So Good For You

Ladies and Gentlemen - I have found a cure for autumn/winteritis or whatever it is called. Just play Minder by Dennis Waterman really loudly first thing in the morning - it's the best. I feel so much better now after seething on the tube because I was squashed by a bloke who had to sit with his legs wide open listening to 'extreme classical' on his ipod whilst tapping really loudly on his PSP for 12 bloody stops! Of course he got off the stop before me. No peace for the wicked.


Thursday, November 08, 2007

Idle Thoughts and John Cooper Clarke

I've been pondering all sorts of useless things in my half sleep this week for some strange reason. And in my half sleep I have been consciously reminding myself to blog about it later in the day when I am awake. Buggered if I can remember anything now - everything seems so clear in the demi-sleep of 04:45am. One of the things that popped into my head was why we have 3 different ways of accounting for shoe size in the world. Why do we? It took me years to work out whether I was a 37 or 38 and always secretly wanted to be a 39. Why do we have English 1,2,3,4,5, etc, European 35,36,37 etc and then there are US sizes which are half a size down I think. How did that all come about? Answers on a grain of rice please. I'm dying to know.

There is an excellent piece on how crap Katie Melua's lyrics are over at Urban Woo's. I commented by posting up a poem titled I Wanna Be Yours by genius poet legend John Cooper Clarke by way of a point that lyrics that are made up of analogies can be very powerful - unless of course you are Mike Batt ex-wombler and chief lyricist for Katie Crap. This led me to an inevitable foray into youtube. I found one of my favourite JCC pieces from 1979 music show called Something Else - god I loved that programme mainly because they had a lot of punk bands on playing live that no one else would air. In 1979, Something Else broadcast John Cooper Clarke in a urinal reciting 'Twat'. I was going to post it up but some 'twat' has put silly noises over all the rude and swear words - it is utterly ruined. So you will have to make do with this instead. It is the opening number to a film by Nick May called Ten Years In An Open-Necked Shirt about punk performance poets. Midnight Shift by John Cooper Clarke accompanied by Linton Kwesi Johnson's band (I think).

Stop Press: we have a new candidate at Munterspace this week - click here for extreme munterness


Friday, November 02, 2007

Geordie Jumpers!