Je Suis Un Metal Detector Man

So while the rest of The Rolling Stones are literally rolling in it from constant sell-out tours around the globe twice over, Bill Wyman has launched his very own signature metal detector. See here. The site really made me laugh - it's even got one of those special offers style stickers on it saying 'as seen on Richard & Judy!'. I guess if Richard and Judy endorse your product then you know you're laughing?

At or with? And whilst we are on the subject of laughing - what is it about people with metal detectors that look so funny? And why would you really want one that costs twice as much as all the others just because it's got Bill Wyman's signature in embossed white plastic on it?

Surely it should have some other unique features such as search-mode should have a repeat of Keith's opening melody from Gimme Shelter trickling away instead of the usual beepy electronic drone? Or when you've actually found a penny or a discarded bicycle nut it could screech 'Gimme gimme gimme your honky tonk blues!'. Yes, that would be more like it. Bill's written a book too because as well as funding restaurants that give you sticky fingers he is also quite good at archaeology hence the need for a metal detector. To be fair - his is a special lightweight version of the usual lump that people lumber around ancient fort sites with their long-suffering children or annoy beach-goers on holiday with. Perhaps Bill will bring out a further signature range of special metal detector clothing - socks, sandals, signed Reactolite Rapides - that sort of thing...

Photo's © Bill Wyman Metal Detector and main pic © The Rockmother in Aus 2003

Death stares all round - it's another meme.

No peace for the wicked. I can't sleep for some reason - overtired I think so I thought I would just make it all so much worse for myself by giving in and completing this other bloody meme which I've been bloody tagged to bloody do thanks to Mr Ister and Llewtrah I think.

1. PICK OUT A SCAR YOU HAVE, AND EXPLAIN HOW YOU GOT IT.
A scar at the very top of my forehead due to a bee-sting. Felt like someone was drilling into my skull with a Black and Decker. Came to on the kitchen floor with my Dad pouring Flash floor cleaner all over it. Never quite forgotten it.
2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
Will that be the East or West wing? A large framed sigyl that my beloved friend Alex painted for me made out of the letters of my name. Everyone who comes round has a good time working out what letters are where.
3. WHAT DOES YOUR PHONE LOOK LIKE?
It's red and it glows hot just like the Batphone.
4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
Sort of same as the person I rather lazily cut and paste this from - punk, some metal and psychedelic and 60's, 70's, 80's and everything else especially blues. Absolutely no popular girl and boy bands or Clifford T Ward or Mika or Acker Bilk - I will not have it no!
5. WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT DESKTOP PICTURE?
My munterspace boobs straining in a be-rhinestoned Kiss t-shirt because it makes me laugh.
6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
To do what I really want to do and be who I really want to be before I die and to stop working for other people that perpetually hinder this wish. And for everything to be alright. Not much then.
7. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GAY MARRIAGE?
Believe? I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the sky....I believe that everyone should have the choice to do what they feel in their heart no matter what anyone else says or thinks.
8. WHAT TIME WERE YOU BORN?
20:10 apparently - I got the Dr called back from his supper.
9. ARE YOUR PARENTS STILL TOGETHER?
No. How they even got together in the first place astonishes me but they are friends now. 10. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
The fan on my hard-drive and the rush of my skin on the duvet as I type from bed.
11. DO YOU GET SCARED OF THE DARK?
Sometimes but only when I'm on my own.
12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
Me - when I decided to stop blogging. Pathetic but true.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOGNE / PERFUME?
On me - Stella by Stella Macartney or Eau Dynasimante by Clarins. On men - a little light clean sweat.
14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOUR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
If I tot up the average over the years - generally dark hair dark eyes on the whole. Ugh what sort of a question is that anyway?
15. DO YOU LIKE PAIN KILLERS?
Only if I feel like I'm passing out with pain or got flu in which case Vicks Nasal Spray and a skinny latte with a Benylin4Flu mixture chaser is better than NHS post-natal diamorphine.
16. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
I don't know. I'm a bit fickle me - I could be in one instance and then not in another.
17. FAVE PIZZA TOPPING?
Fresh tomato and basil - absolutely nothing resembling pineapple.
18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Nothing - I'm full.
19. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
What mad as in cross or mad as in bonkers? Probably myself on both accounts.
20. IS ANYONE IN LOVE WITH YOU?
I have absolutely no idea.

For Istvanski - Warning: this contains the c-word!

Continuing The Damned theme as part of my tribute to their colourful see-saw of 30 years in music. Here's a classic piece of Captain Sensible at his most rude (apart from weeing on the audience at the beginning of the previous clip in case you hadn't noticed). I lost a better version of this particular clip a few months ago which was the un-edited version (it got kicked off youtube for bad violence/language) which included him going quite wild with the mic stand at the beginning and lashing out at the dumbly agog US crowd who just didn't know what had come to town and hit them (apart from a very heavy mic stand about the ears of course). The thing I like about this piece of footage is that he is so angry (and prob a little inebriated) but just picks up the song without warning and then plays the most magnificent solo. The man's a bloody genius. Love him hate him - I've always admired him. And in a really childish way I find his treatment of the audience absolutely hilarious. It's vintage Sensible gold. Don't watch it if you don't like bad language.

I Just Can't Be Happy Today Part 2

Part 2:

Now I’m writing this on another train going back the other way to work. I got home and stuffed my face with a cold veggie pie, mash and gravy – I didn’t use cutlery – just fingers and lots of slurping – I must have looked both desperate and disgusting but it was very neccessary. The gig was actually far more low key than I was expecting – I thought it would be rammed seeing as it was sold out but there was lots of room. I overheard what must have been a road or tour manager walk past fuming saying how disappointed he was gesturing at how the rabble at the front were only three deep. That’s probably because those that were pogoing and generally lurching into each other were running out of breath and clutching their sides with stitches after four songs – apart from two die-hard whippet-like Mohican’s who carried on bare-chested to the bitter end. The collective age of the audience was 10,750 and I reckon the average age was 43 or so. Funny. After 2 pints of Star in a nice warm plastic glass and I think during a rousing chorus of ‘I Just Can’t Be Happy Today’ or it could have been ‘Smash It Up’ I had a ‘we really need a riot’ moment. What happened to everyone standing up against the government and not taking their ridiculous policies anymore? Everyone has become so passive and accepting.

So the band were very tight – there were a few moments which went into prog/Pink Floyd freeform mode – it was ok but I could feel we were all there for the energy and the noise and not for the forays into improvisation despite the fact the band have always done that. It got louder as it went on but at first (unless I have gone deaf over the years from too much gig-going) it seemed half as loud as it should have been. Captain Sensible and Dave Vanian were in perfect vintage sync and finally seemed to get into it. Sensible looked timeless in his trademark white rimmed sunglasses, red beret and red/black stripey mohair jumper. Dave Vanian looked like a small, sharp glossy black crow with his 50’s quiff and old-style mic. Monty's keyboards were a bit of a shambles and should have practised more I reckon. It was a long set and once they got going you didn’t want them to stop. It was lovely to meet up with Mr Istvanski a fellow blogger/reader and lover of The Damned. Currently sporting 3 pints of lager on an empty stomach delayed hangover and playing my personally signed live recorded cd of the evening which was recorded by Live Here Now. A little piece of history. Thank god for ticket touts - and my all time favourite venue the 100 Club!

I Just Can't Be Happy Today Part 1

Written on the train back from an impromptu evening out Part One:

I’m writing this on the last train home – drunk couple behind me talking self-appeasing rubbish and he is trying to impress her by talking French and she is trying to impress him by saying she doesn’t eat meat or fish. French – Vegan – not a good combo I reckon. Now they are having a bloody conversation (*in between smooches – I think they’ve just met) about Roquefort of all things. What? I want to tell them to shut up. I should but I don't. Anyway – back to the matter in hand. Just been to see The Damned at the 100 Club, 100 Oxford St, London. It’s a great place. I had a Hammersmith Palais moment halfway through the set wondering how upset I’d feel when they suddenly announced that they were shutting it down. I hope they never shut the 100 Club down. It has a sticky floor and posters in frames on the wall that are in the same faded place as I last set eyes on them in 1984. Yes, the Tommy Chase Quartet poster is still there – in the right hand corner – just by the Ladies. I love the 100 Club. I got a ticket off a tout. Well, I say he was a tout but I think he was just a runner for a tout who looked like he was pretty gone on drugs – heroin or crack or both. Anyway – they came through – miraculously. I have to say, my initial instincts were ‘these people are going to fleece me’. And in a sort of way – they were - £30 for a face value £15 ticket but I’m bloody glad I did. The Damned seemed The Nervous for at least the first half. But Istvanski (who was there too) pointed out that because it was being recorded live that perhaps they were being more ‘controlled’ than normal. He had a point although they seemed definitely reticent until a good hour had passed and like all good bands - they suddenly got into it.

Everyone was so friendly. I went there bristling with excitement and expectation. I imagined it all to be big squash. A hot, squishy, sticky, sweaty squash but strangley enough it was rather civilised. Average age c.40 something I reckon. There was some original mohican and pogoing action going down but no spitting I noticed. It was 31 years ago they first took to the same stage. That was odd. The thing is - everyone is so different now.

Far too tired to carry on and need to get off train - will resume tomorrow.

Night night.

I've Finally Done It

The Romo For Real No 15 is up and running and ready for download action.

Click here for the latest podcast or to listen to the entire archive for that matter.

And don't forget to vote - I'm slipping down the Top 50 you know which simply won't do.

Mother. There is no other. Rockmother.

Ro Mo Fo xxx

Off To Have A Flutter

I do like a bet. I have to limit myself to the two main horse events per year - Cheltenham and the Grand National (and occasionally Wimbledon for tennis) otherwise I really would be sinking 'Buie Breezers' round at Ladbrokes most days and I have to say I don't think that would be very befitting for a lady. But see above, Muriel Spark obviously liked a bet too so I am in good company. I can see how it can get out of hand especially as I seem to be naturally very lucky - or perhaps just good at picking horses so I have to exercise great control and wait for my twice a year flutter as above. My general rule of thumb is that I don't get greedy and 'over-gamble' - ie: pile on silly money just in case the outsider comes through and makes me very rich. I limit my stake, I bet on no more than 4 horses and I don't spend any winnings on further bets. I do study the form but not throughout the year - just the day before or day of the race and I only choose horses with Irish trainers. I always have - my little nod to the Irish side of the family perhaps? Going to the races is fun - the noise, the characters, the dodgy trilby-wearing bookies doing their funny hand movements, illegibly scrawled odds on their chalk boards and the similarly desperate losers and winners alike. When I was a small child, we went to the races in Herefordshire somewhere. My strongest memory was the buzz in the air and the sound of the horses hooves thundering on the ground as they came down the final straight. We weren't actually watching, my Dad made us kids lie on the ground and just listen - it was so exciting and I have never forgotten it. We got up at the last moment just as they were all chundering past in a loud, dusty streak. Brilliant. Right, off to study the going and the form. Toodlepip.

Kurt Vonnegut 1922 - 2007

Kurt Vonnegut has died aged 84 in New York from brain injuries as a result of a fall earlier this year.

He became a cult figure in particular among students in the 1960s and 1970s with his classics of US counterculture. I remember my parents liking his books which is how I know about him. He wrote plays, essays and short fiction too.

The defining moment of his life was the firebombing of Dresden by allied forces in 1945 - an event he witnessed as a young prisoner of war.

His experience was the basis of his best-known work, Slaughterhouse Five. It was published in 1969 against the backdrop of the war in Vietnam, racial unrest and deep social upheaval in the United States.

Last year, he came out of semi-retirement to write his new book A Man Without A Country because of his "contempt" for current US President George Bush. Fighting to the end. A great contributor and a huge loss to modern literature.

Babe Rainbow

When I was a kid we grew up with this picture. We always really liked it mainly for it's rainbow bright colours - it was just something that was just hanging around the house. It was printed on a poster sized piece of dented metal and was leaning up against the wall in the living room. It stayed there for years until it got slightly rusty which added to its charm. We never really understood or appreciated it's significance and it wasn't until I was in my 20's that I realised it was my Aunty Sue. She was a bloody icon but had a funny life. Quite a sad life really. She now lives quietly in the country teaching people art therapy and looking after very old people. I wish Blake would do a Babe Rainbow revisited but I don't think she would agree to pose in a bikini as she has filled out in her old age despite being still rather striking with her very bright fucshia pink lipstick and dramatic clothes.....and amazing memories. The colours in this reproduction aren't as rich as the real thing but you get the idea - she was the Kate Moss of her day.

For Everybody

Check the moves! Check the clothes! Check the atmosphere! Check the cheesecloth! Check the flares! Do the funky chicken!

For Mr and Mrs Dick Headley

For Cafe del Nightmare

Sawadikaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Photo © Rotisserie of Mo 2006